The Art of Huffin' & Puffin'
by princess454
Summary: When trying to find love at Hogwarts, a million things can go wrong. That's ok, because you have your friends and your weed to keep you sane. Better summary in the first chapter. OC's, Harry, Draco, Cedric, & more. A bit different but give it a chance!


The Art of Huffin' & Puffin'

By princess454

Summary: Eloisa isn't your typical student at Hogwarts. She's a 16 year old stoner who takes delight in skipping class, talking smack on other students with her friends, and obsessing over boys and the next love of her life. Ok, so maybe she IS a typical teenage girl, but she's anything but normal or perfect. She's merely looking for love within the ancient walls of Hogwarts, and the impending question is, will she find the right guy that meets all her needs? This witty and relatable story is sprinkled with the perfect amount of awkwardness, weed-smoke-filled haze inducing, sexual-mishap bliss. Enjoy! Contains both characters from the Harry Potter series and ones I created. Takes place during Harry's 5th year.

Rated M for drugs, sex, and being overall badass.

Chapter 1

I stared at the patchwork quilt beneath me for a good twenty minutes. I stroked it as if attempting to reveal something from underneath sand. It was very soft. I loved the quilt that accompanied my bed here in the dormitories. Poor thing. It's gone through so much. Tears, make-up stains, bong water spills, food residue, and if we're going to be frank, some bodily fluids (most of which were not mine).

Maybe I should wash this thing.

But I really don't want to get up. I can barely open my eyes let alone get up. Is there a spell that can magically wash this? I close my eyes and try to think but my mind is a cloudy haze.

Why is it that sometimes when I smoke weed, I'm the smartest person ever and other times I can't think for shit? Very peculiar. I _would_ ask Professor Sprout, but I can only imagine the look on her face. Actually, she would probably be happy to throw a lot of unneeded facts about cannibis my way in order to bore me to death and make me never want to use it again.

Ha. Good luck with that. Smoking is by far one of my favorite activities.

The mid afternoon is my second favorite time to smoke and hang out in the dorms. No one's around and the lighting is pretty, the temperature warm. My favorite time to smoke of course is at night before going to sleep. Coupled with my cozy quilt, big four-poster bed, and the heating of the rooms I must say I get the best sleep while at school.

I hear voices. Oh, no. Someone's come to ruin my nap and find out I ditched Potions in order to do so. What I like most about my roommates is that, being Hufflepuffs, everyone's usually very nice. They assume you're nice too, and don't realize you're being manipulative. Not that I'm a manipulative girl, I just like things my way, is all. I'm prepared to make up an excuse and make them go away.

Greer Turnip walks in the room. She has a full head of curly blonde hair, but a small face. She bothers me because she's so tiny. I'm not fat or anything but I'm not the skinniest girl.

I like to eat, ok?

"Lo, what are you doing in here? Don't you have classes?" Greer asked me, exasperated, as I thought she would sound.

I'm too high to care. "Merrrr," I reply, barely audible.

I open one eye long enough to see Greer shake her head. "You're going to fail out of school, you do know that right?" She says.

"Then what are _you_ doing in here, Miss Perfect?" I grumble back.

She doesn't reply.

Her silence is rare. Ok, so maybe I was exaggerating a bit. Greer doesn't always bother me. Sure, she acts like a know-it-all nerd most of the time but the truth is she's one of my good friends in this God awful school. I know she's a hypochondriac and rarely silent. "Greer," I say, now sitting up, _very_ reluctantly I might add. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to say," She replies, her voice firm. I can tell she's freaking out inside.

I take it back. She really does bother me. She's making me get up! I sigh as I slide off my bed and walk over to her. She's clutching a few books in her arms and she looks very frightened.

"Tell me. Now," I demand. For a Hufflepuff I can be pretty intimidating.

Greer drops her books and her hands fly to her face. "I think I have an STD!" She cries out. Before checking my reaction she looks around the room to make sure no one else is in here.

"Please, as if any Hufflepuff nerds would be in here instead of class," I remind her gently. I place both hands on her shoulders as she looks up at me worriedly. "You don't have an STD."

"I haven't even told you anything yet!" Greer cries again and begins to shake.

I've been through plenty of these episodes with this woman, which is why my hands seem to automatically go to her shoulders. Greer loves to test my patience. "Greer, please. You're a virgin. Or has this changed since I last saw you at breakfast?" I ask, skeptical.

"No," She admits, her chin falling to her chest in defeat.

I knew it. "Then stop freaking out please? Damn. You sure know how to ruin my high," I say as I release her and walk gratefully back to bed.

"Doesn't matter! I-I…I snuck off with Tim Scalefinn to the greenhouses yesterday. He told me he wanted to show me this new rare plant that got shipped to the school from Germany…," Greer told me. She paused and stared off into the distance.

When she didn't continue, I looked up from the magazine I was reading on the bed. "And?" I urged her along. It was rare when Greer had a sexual related story. Usually those were being told by myself or our other good friend, Yolanda Frasier. Yolanda has more stories than me. I would definitely consider Yolanda my best friend at Hogwarts but the girl can be kind of a slut. I'm more of a hopeless romantic and most of the time I'm put in sexual situations because of my overall goal of finding the boy of my dreams. Yolanda just happens to love sex _but _she's taught us all we know which is great.

Let's just say Hogwarts doesn't have anything even close to a Sex Ed. class. If you ask me, we're needing one dearly.

"Well," Greer said, her face turning bright pink. "We kind of…hooked up. He never showed me any plant. We got distracted somehow and—"

"Hold up. Hooked up how? You said you're still a virgin," I replied.

"Are you really going to make me say it aloud?" Greer cries, her goody-two-shoes ways restraining her vocal chords.

I don't reply. My answer reveals itself in my grin.

"Let's just put it this way. He did something that involves a phrase you hate," Greer says instead.

I immediately know what she's talking about. "Oh God, really? _Outside_?" I ask her in disbelief. Just so everyone is on the same page, Greer was talking about the odd desire some boys have to stick their fingers in a girl's vagina. Yes, I understand it's exciting for them to explore, but it's always weirded me out as to why they'd want to do that. I don't mind the action (not one bit) but the phrase _fingering_ has always sent my skin crawling.

"It wasn't that bad. I liked it a lot actually. I just feel like I should get checked," Greer replies.

"Greer, you can't get an STD from…you know. I'm almost positive." I roll my eyes at her and contemplate taking another hit from my bong. I realize I need to be careful as I'm almost out of weed.

"It's that 'almost' that I'm not so fond of," Greer says in this voice she does sometimes that reminds me of a mom. "I just want to make sure I'm fine."

"You're seriously insane. I wish Yolanda was here to hear this," I sigh. Yolanda was unfortunately in Ravenclaw because she's so darn smart. I envied her intelligence at times. Not that I wasn't smart, I'm just very lazy, which is how I determined I got put into Hufflepuff. Yolanda and Greer think I should have been put in Slytherin because of how sassy and bossy I can get but deep down I really don't think I'm evil enough.

I'm a little bit of everything and not enough of one thing. True Hufflepuff right there. My first year I was bummed with the selection. I remember being in the Great Hall that unforgettable night and wanting to call my parents so I could go home. I was so butt-hurt with being a Hufflepuff I didn't even want to go to school anymore. My mom was in Slytherin and my dad in Ravenclaw, so we were all hoping I'd end up in one of those even though my parents aren't super traditional or anything like that. I remember being nervous because I really had no idea what I'd be.

By now, in my 5th year, I've gotten a hold on things quite nicely. I got used to being a Hufflepuff. I actually enjoy it. No one expects anything too great from me, and I can keep a low profile. At first it was hard making friends because nobody talked about the things I talked about. I've always been kind of eccentric and an oddball. I love talking about taboo things, I cuss like a boy, and I enjoy smoking weed. I hate going to class and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm also very into Astrology which is kind of a weird thing to be into around here. My confident demeanor and unorthodox humor confused girls and intimidated boys.

It was definitely hard finding a niche in the beginning but I turned out ok.

I'm more or less friends with everyone in the House but I have more guy friends than girl friends. Greer was the only girl who ever got close enough to me. The other girls are ok but most I found too boring or _too_ nice. The cooler ones ignored me which Greer later explained was because I was too pretty. I only kind of agree with that. I'm not a 10 or anything but I take pride in not being scared of looking in the mirror, I should say.

That's probably why the Hufflepuff men didn't mind being friends with me. None of them I like romantically though. I'll get into this later.

Yolanda is an outcast within her House too, which is how we got to be such good friends. We had Potions together our first year and hit it off instantly. She's wicked smart like the rest of them but she could care less about being the smartest. She's not competitive at all which is rare for a Ravenclaw. I knew we'd be good friends the moment she wondered aloud what Professor Snape's orgasm face must look like.

After calming Greer down, she made me go to our next class. It was with Professor Umbridge, the newest Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I, like the rest of the school, hated the woman. I usually go to her class high because she refuses to teach us any real spells so it's kind of an easy class if you just do what you're told and don't get on her bad side. I always sit near the back and watch everyone else, making the occasional sarcastic comment to Greer who always ignores me because she's too busy taking notes or reading.

We have the famous Harry Potter in our class and I enjoy watching him get flustered over Umbridge's insane manner of teaching. Everyone's obsessed with him but I don't really care about him. Greer thinks he's hot but I'm not really into nerds.

"Just because he has glasses doesn't make him a nerd," Greer pointed out once we took our seats. I had watched her look for him once we were inside and I had casually mentioned how her nerd crush wasn't here yet.

"I guess he's bad ass enough for me. But c'mon, glasses? I'm sure there's a spell for that. A spell even a 5 year old can do. Why wear glasses when you can wave your bad eyesight away?" I replied. It's always confused me how people at this school don't take advantage of the powers we have. At Hogwarts there should be no such thing as bad hair days or skin problems. I guess some people just don't care about their appearance. My friends love making fun of me when I take the time to learn spells on how to instantly have make up applied to my face, or to straighten my wavy hair with the flick of my wrist as opposed to studying. They laughed when instead of doing homework I learned how to mix a Potion to keep my teeth white.

I know there are plenty of people out there who are getting boyfriends with their personalities alone, but excuse me for being a bit vain. I think it's completely normal to want to look your best in order to attract the best. And so my Slytherin side comes out, but so what? Then again the reason I'm learning these things is because I want instant results, thus my laziness. Ok so once again I'm reminded I'm definitely a Hufflepuff. Whatever.

"This class sucks balls," I grumble, and Greer elbows me in the arm so I shut up and don't get in trouble.

"Shh! Umbridge is right there. She's a bitch so behave yourself," Greer advises me worriedly.

"My heart melts when you cuss," I tell her fondly. It's one of my top goals at Hogwarts that while I'm here I corrupt Greer to the best of my abilities. Before she met me, she didn't even know what a penis looked like. So far Yolanda and I have her more used to using bad words, she's _definitely_ seen a penis, and she's even getting fingered inside greenhouses on the way to class. So far, so good.

Greer rolls her eyes at me and takes her books out. I take out some parchment and my quill and begin to doodle. I can't wait for class to end so I can have some dinner, go back to the common room, smoke some more, and drift off into a beautiful sleep.


End file.
